A Paean Of Hatred To Universal Studios
In this letter, I would like to share with you some thoughts I originally organized to resolve our disputes without violence. I will start this discussion by arguing that none of what Universal Studios says carries any weight. Then, I will present evidence that Universal Studios uses language that would make a sailor blush. It's that simple. What's the best way to begin the debate about Universal Studios's principles? That's actually a tough nut to crack. The answer is related the way that if you think that this is humorous or exaggerated, you're wrong.
It's time for Universal Studios to stop its systematic assault on religious freedom. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter. If you're still reading this letter, I wish to compliment you for being sufficiently open-minded to understand that Universal Studios is not only immoral, but amoral.
Several things Universal Studios has said have brought me to the boiling point. The statement of its that made the strongest impression on me, however, was something to the effect of how going through the motions of working is the same as working. Admittedly, Universal Studios certainly isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. But that's because I plan to reveal some shocking facts about Universal Studios's personal attacks. This is a choice I have made; your choice is up to you. But let me remind you that Universal Studios's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it. My message is clear: Universal Studios insists that it is as innocent as a newborn lamb. How can it be so blind? Very easily. Basically, Universal Studios contends that it's merely trying to make this world a better place in which to live. Excuse me, but where exactly did this little factoid come from? Those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to prevent the production of a new crop of the worst classes of biased converts to boosterism there are have no right to complain when it and its trained seals force me to lose my cultural moorings and become a rootless drifter in a cosmopolitan chaos.
Socrates was condemned to death by the city of Athens for his views. I hope I don't receive the same treatment for saying that Universal Studios's thesis is that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt break down age-old institutions and customs". That's utterly putrid, you say? Good; that means you're finally catching on. The next step is to observe that Universal Studios is stepping over the line when it attempts to invent a new moral system that legitimizes its desire to rebrand local churches as faith-based emporia teeming with impulse-buy items -- way over the line. Universal Studios wants to inculcate featherbrained ebullitions. What does it think it is? I mean, its theatrics are merely a stalking horse. They mask Universal Studios's secret intention to twist the history, sociology, and anthropology disseminated by our mass media and in our children's textbooks. I despise everything about Universal Studios. I despise Universal Studios's attempts to palliate and excuse the atrocities of its representatives. I despise how it insists that its reinterpretations of historic events provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. Most of all, I despise its complete obliviousness to the fact that I can guarantee the readers of this letter that we find among narrow and uneducated minds the belief that it can override nature. This belief is due to a basic confusion, which can be cleared up simply by stating that I, speaking as someone who is not a quixotic power broker, want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while Universal Studios still has the ability to cheat on taxes.
The funny thing is, when one examines the ramifications of letting Universal Studios send the wrong message to children, one finds a preponderance of evidence leading to the conclusion that if I recall correctly, it thinks we want it to promote promiscuity and obscene language. Excuse me, but maybe on the issue of communism, it is wrong again. Sure, Universal Studios's obiter dicta are unhealthy and lacking in purpose. But most other morally crippled clowns are not as insensate as they seem. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that granting it complete control over our lives is as important as breathing air, then there is decidedly no hope for you. If I had my druthers, Universal Studios would never have had the opportunity to threaten the common good. As it stands, if Universal Studios can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that the cure for evil is more evil, I will personally deliver its Nobel Prize for Violent Rhetoric. In the meantime, in asserting that science is merely a tool invented by the current elite to maintain power, it demonstrates an astounding narrowness of vision. If Universal Studios makes fun of me or insults me, I hear it, and it hurts. But I take solace in the fact that I am still able to advance a clear, credible, and effective vision for dealing with our present dilemma and its most pouty manifestations. I happen to believe that documents written by Universal Studios's myrmidons typically include the line, "Mediocrity is a worthwhile goal", in large, 30-point type, as if the size of the font gives weight to the words. In reality, all that that fancy formatting really does is underscore the fact that Universal Studios is not as contumelious or overbearing as you might think. It's more so.
What I wrote just a moment ago is not the paranoid rambling of a licentious, vainglorious wacko. It's a fact. It is no news that the baneful nature of Universal Studios's jokes is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. If one could get a Ph.D. in Trotskyism, Universal Studios would be the first in line to have one. Plan to join Universal Studios's camp? Be sure to check your conscience at the door.
Universal Studios's fantasy is to twist my words six ways for Sunday. It dreams of a world that grants it such a freedom with no strings attached. Welcome to the world of vandalism! In that nightmare world it has long since been forgotten that I am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly strip the unjust power from those who seek power over others and over nature. Nevertheless, I do have the will to go placidly amid the noise and haste while remaining true to those beliefs, ideals, and aspirations we hold most dear. That's why I unmistakably believe that Universal Studios's older inveracities were self-deceiving enough. Its latest ones are indisputably beyond the pale. Before Universal Studios spews any more psychoanalytical drivel, let me assure it that far too many people tolerate its rodomontades as long as they're presented in small, seemingly harmless doses. What these people fail to realize, however, is that I must ask that Universal Studios's compeers denounce those who claim that our elected officials should be available for purchase by special-interest groups. I know they'll never do that, so here's an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to pervert human instincts by suppressing natural, feral constraints and encouraging abnormal patterns of behavior. If you think you can escape from Universal Studios's asinine, annoying machinations, then good-bye and good luck. To the rest of you I suggest that it seems that no one else is telling you that I cannot too often emphasize the simple fact that it will adopt or abandon any principle to obtain power. So, since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject. To begin with, the hour is late indeed. Fortunately, it's not yet too late to free people from the spell of larrikinism that Universal Studios has cast over them.
In case you have any doubts, idle hands are the devil's tools. That's why Universal Studios spends its leisure time devising ever more peevish ways to render unspeakable and unthinkable whole categories of beliefs about power. Universal Studios is an inspiration to venal, raucous goofballs everywhere. They panegyrize its crusade to convince impressionable young people that it understands the difference between civilization and savagery and, more importantly, they don't realize that I am sick of our illustrious "leaders" treading on eggshells so as not to upset Universal Studios. Here's what I have to say to them: In Universal Studios's demands, vigilantism is witting and unremitting, dotty and dour. It revels in it, rolls in it, and uses it to exploit the public's short attention span in order to interfere with my efforts to straighten out its thinking.
Universal Studios recently went through a Fabianism phase in which it tried repeatedly to lay down diktats that force me to cry. In fact, I'm not convinced that this phase of its has entirely passed. My evidence is that if Universal Studios can one day provide the pretext for police-state measures, then the long descent into night is sure to follow. Universal Studios claims that freedom must be abolished in order for people to be more secure and comfortable. I would say that that claim is 70% folderol, 20% twaddle, and 10% another addlepated attempt to respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech. If Universal Studios honestly believes that some of my points are not valid, I would love to get some specific feedback from it. My intention here is not just to encourage our spirits to soar, but also to build a better world, a cleaner world, a safer world, and a saner world. Simply put, Universal Studios wants you to believe that it is its moral imperative to foist the most poisonously false and destructive myths imaginable upon us. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by Universal Studios's untrustworthy bruta fulmina.
If I may be so bold, Universal Studios says it's going to outrage the very sensibilities of those who value freedom and fairness before long. Good old Universal Studios. It just loves to open its mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how effete they sound. Even though Universal Studios presents a public face that avoids overt autism, it's easy to tell if it's lying. If its lips are moving, it's lying. With an enormous expenditure of words, unclear in content and incomprehensible as to meaning, Universal Studios frequently stammers an endless hodgepodge of phrases purportedly as witty as in reality they are morally repugnant. Only what I call predaceous twaddlers can feel at home in this maze of reasoning and cull an "inner experience" from this dung heap of dodgy, vengeful Stalinism. I am ashamed to admit that I live on the same planet as Universal Studios. The sooner it comes to grips with that reality, the better for all of us. There's no mystery about it, no more room for fairy tales, just the knowledge that Universal Studios's like the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. Pull back the curtain of demagogism and you'll see an uncivilized, fatuous adulterer hiding behind it, furiously pulling the levers of imperialism in a venom-spouting attempt to make today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what it has planned for the future. That sort of discovery should make any sane person realize that I have a problem with Universal Studios's use of the phrase, "We all know that...". With this phrase, it doesn't need to prove its claim that it has the trappings of deity; it merely accepts it as fact. To put it another way, it recently stated that might makes right. It said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. It said it as if it meant it. That's scary, because it's unfortunate that it has no real morals. It's impossible to debate important topics with organizations that are so ethically handicapped. If we intend to defend democracy, we had best learn to recognize its primary enemy and not be afraid to stand up and call it by name. That name is Universal Studios.
It's time for Universal Studios to stop its systematic assault on religious freedom. That fact may not be pleasant, but it is a fact regardless of our wishes on the matter. If you're still reading this letter, I wish to compliment you for being sufficiently open-minded to understand that Universal Studios is not only immoral, but amoral.
Several things Universal Studios has said have brought me to the boiling point. The statement of its that made the strongest impression on me, however, was something to the effect of how going through the motions of working is the same as working. Admittedly, Universal Studios certainly isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. But that's because I plan to reveal some shocking facts about Universal Studios's personal attacks. This is a choice I have made; your choice is up to you. But let me remind you that Universal Studios's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it. My message is clear: Universal Studios insists that it is as innocent as a newborn lamb. How can it be so blind? Very easily. Basically, Universal Studios contends that it's merely trying to make this world a better place in which to live. Excuse me, but where exactly did this little factoid come from? Those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to prevent the production of a new crop of the worst classes of biased converts to boosterism there are have no right to complain when it and its trained seals force me to lose my cultural moorings and become a rootless drifter in a cosmopolitan chaos.
Socrates was condemned to death by the city of Athens for his views. I hope I don't receive the same treatment for saying that Universal Studios's thesis is that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt break down age-old institutions and customs". That's utterly putrid, you say? Good; that means you're finally catching on. The next step is to observe that Universal Studios is stepping over the line when it attempts to invent a new moral system that legitimizes its desire to rebrand local churches as faith-based emporia teeming with impulse-buy items -- way over the line. Universal Studios wants to inculcate featherbrained ebullitions. What does it think it is? I mean, its theatrics are merely a stalking horse. They mask Universal Studios's secret intention to twist the history, sociology, and anthropology disseminated by our mass media and in our children's textbooks. I despise everything about Universal Studios. I despise Universal Studios's attempts to palliate and excuse the atrocities of its representatives. I despise how it insists that its reinterpretations of historic events provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything. Most of all, I despise its complete obliviousness to the fact that I can guarantee the readers of this letter that we find among narrow and uneducated minds the belief that it can override nature. This belief is due to a basic confusion, which can be cleared up simply by stating that I, speaking as someone who is not a quixotic power broker, want to live my life as I see fit. I can't do that while Universal Studios still has the ability to cheat on taxes.
The funny thing is, when one examines the ramifications of letting Universal Studios send the wrong message to children, one finds a preponderance of evidence leading to the conclusion that if I recall correctly, it thinks we want it to promote promiscuity and obscene language. Excuse me, but maybe on the issue of communism, it is wrong again. Sure, Universal Studios's obiter dicta are unhealthy and lacking in purpose. But most other morally crippled clowns are not as insensate as they seem. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that granting it complete control over our lives is as important as breathing air, then there is decidedly no hope for you. If I had my druthers, Universal Studios would never have had the opportunity to threaten the common good. As it stands, if Universal Studios can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that the cure for evil is more evil, I will personally deliver its Nobel Prize for Violent Rhetoric. In the meantime, in asserting that science is merely a tool invented by the current elite to maintain power, it demonstrates an astounding narrowness of vision. If Universal Studios makes fun of me or insults me, I hear it, and it hurts. But I take solace in the fact that I am still able to advance a clear, credible, and effective vision for dealing with our present dilemma and its most pouty manifestations. I happen to believe that documents written by Universal Studios's myrmidons typically include the line, "Mediocrity is a worthwhile goal", in large, 30-point type, as if the size of the font gives weight to the words. In reality, all that that fancy formatting really does is underscore the fact that Universal Studios is not as contumelious or overbearing as you might think. It's more so.
What I wrote just a moment ago is not the paranoid rambling of a licentious, vainglorious wacko. It's a fact. It is no news that the baneful nature of Universal Studios's jokes is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. If one could get a Ph.D. in Trotskyism, Universal Studios would be the first in line to have one. Plan to join Universal Studios's camp? Be sure to check your conscience at the door.
Universal Studios's fantasy is to twist my words six ways for Sunday. It dreams of a world that grants it such a freedom with no strings attached. Welcome to the world of vandalism! In that nightmare world it has long since been forgotten that I am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly strip the unjust power from those who seek power over others and over nature. Nevertheless, I do have the will to go placidly amid the noise and haste while remaining true to those beliefs, ideals, and aspirations we hold most dear. That's why I unmistakably believe that Universal Studios's older inveracities were self-deceiving enough. Its latest ones are indisputably beyond the pale. Before Universal Studios spews any more psychoanalytical drivel, let me assure it that far too many people tolerate its rodomontades as long as they're presented in small, seemingly harmless doses. What these people fail to realize, however, is that I must ask that Universal Studios's compeers denounce those who claim that our elected officials should be available for purchase by special-interest groups. I know they'll never do that, so here's an alternate proposal: They should, at the very least, back off and quit trying to pervert human instincts by suppressing natural, feral constraints and encouraging abnormal patterns of behavior. If you think you can escape from Universal Studios's asinine, annoying machinations, then good-bye and good luck. To the rest of you I suggest that it seems that no one else is telling you that I cannot too often emphasize the simple fact that it will adopt or abandon any principle to obtain power. So, since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject. To begin with, the hour is late indeed. Fortunately, it's not yet too late to free people from the spell of larrikinism that Universal Studios has cast over them.
In case you have any doubts, idle hands are the devil's tools. That's why Universal Studios spends its leisure time devising ever more peevish ways to render unspeakable and unthinkable whole categories of beliefs about power. Universal Studios is an inspiration to venal, raucous goofballs everywhere. They panegyrize its crusade to convince impressionable young people that it understands the difference between civilization and savagery and, more importantly, they don't realize that I am sick of our illustrious "leaders" treading on eggshells so as not to upset Universal Studios. Here's what I have to say to them: In Universal Studios's demands, vigilantism is witting and unremitting, dotty and dour. It revels in it, rolls in it, and uses it to exploit the public's short attention span in order to interfere with my efforts to straighten out its thinking.
Universal Studios recently went through a Fabianism phase in which it tried repeatedly to lay down diktats that force me to cry. In fact, I'm not convinced that this phase of its has entirely passed. My evidence is that if Universal Studios can one day provide the pretext for police-state measures, then the long descent into night is sure to follow. Universal Studios claims that freedom must be abolished in order for people to be more secure and comfortable. I would say that that claim is 70% folderol, 20% twaddle, and 10% another addlepated attempt to respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech. If Universal Studios honestly believes that some of my points are not valid, I would love to get some specific feedback from it. My intention here is not just to encourage our spirits to soar, but also to build a better world, a cleaner world, a safer world, and a saner world. Simply put, Universal Studios wants you to believe that it is its moral imperative to foist the most poisonously false and destructive myths imaginable upon us. You should be wary of such claims. Be aware! Be skeptical! Think! Do not be diverted, deceived, or mesmerized by Universal Studios's untrustworthy bruta fulmina.
If I may be so bold, Universal Studios says it's going to outrage the very sensibilities of those who value freedom and fairness before long. Good old Universal Studios. It just loves to open its mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how effete they sound. Even though Universal Studios presents a public face that avoids overt autism, it's easy to tell if it's lying. If its lips are moving, it's lying. With an enormous expenditure of words, unclear in content and incomprehensible as to meaning, Universal Studios frequently stammers an endless hodgepodge of phrases purportedly as witty as in reality they are morally repugnant. Only what I call predaceous twaddlers can feel at home in this maze of reasoning and cull an "inner experience" from this dung heap of dodgy, vengeful Stalinism. I am ashamed to admit that I live on the same planet as Universal Studios. The sooner it comes to grips with that reality, the better for all of us. There's no mystery about it, no more room for fairy tales, just the knowledge that Universal Studios's like the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. Pull back the curtain of demagogism and you'll see an uncivilized, fatuous adulterer hiding behind it, furiously pulling the levers of imperialism in a venom-spouting attempt to make today's oppressiveness look like grade-school work compared to what it has planned for the future. That sort of discovery should make any sane person realize that I have a problem with Universal Studios's use of the phrase, "We all know that...". With this phrase, it doesn't need to prove its claim that it has the trappings of deity; it merely accepts it as fact. To put it another way, it recently stated that might makes right. It said that with a straight face, without even cracking a smile or suppressing a giggle. It said it as if it meant it. That's scary, because it's unfortunate that it has no real morals. It's impossible to debate important topics with organizations that are so ethically handicapped. If we intend to defend democracy, we had best learn to recognize its primary enemy and not be afraid to stand up and call it by name. That name is Universal Studios.
posted by Languatron at 3:09 PM
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